im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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