Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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