mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
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Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
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Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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