The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
