i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
