Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
