I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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