Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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