Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
