Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i barfeds in our rink
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Randomize
