??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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