He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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