It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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