I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
