in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
