Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Damn victory sex feels great
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
