If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
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I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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