I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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