there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
