I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize