Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
