so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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