My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
