this boner is exhausting
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
