Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
