She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
