I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
