i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
