not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
