I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
