she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
