Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Randomize
