i always forget guys have bellybuttons
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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