first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just invented taco cereal.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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