i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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