I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
