I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
