First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
