If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
