You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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