after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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