just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
