I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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