he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
