the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
