Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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