sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
