I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
