yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
