My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
