I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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