My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
