it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
