Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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