I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
